Learning not to drink and drive

It didn't take much to convince my ex-boyfriend that we needed another console.

"It's raining," he said. "Gonna be like this all weekend."

I went back to sleep for what seemed like only moments when suddenly a Game bag appeared in front of my face.

"I bought a Wii," he said with hunter-gatherer gusto.

As he went to take his coat off, I watched the wet plastic bag deflate a little as it dripped rainwater on to the pillow.

- Time to get up.

I had barely made it to the toaster before the living room had become a flurry of white wires and Nintendo loading music.

The Wii came with that great game we all regularly reminisce about on internet forums: Wii Sports.

My inner Olympian finally had a platform to express themselves without fear of judgement - as long as the curtains were closed.

Night after night, Wii Sports occurred, until one evening I got a little carried away playing golf. I went to take my shot and like a true pro, swung the Wii remote down, around and smashed straight through my drink. I've never seen a glass explode with such force. My drink went everywhere - on the books, furniture, electronics...It was like when someone buys you a card with glitter on it and you proceed to find the stuff on your face for the next eight months - except this time it was with vodka and small shards of glass.

I looked to my then partner and saw his face fill with a mixture of surprise and apathy.

It turned out, it's my lot in life to bring a little chaos to situations whenever drinks are involved - so much so, for the following 10 years I continued to introduce our pale buff carpet to the likes of Diet Coke, blackcurrant juice, port, cider, milk, Lemsip and anything else I could forget about and then surreptitiously kick over.

Needless to say, we're no longer together and I now drink out of bottles.